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/cancel hermit
Dec. 14th, 2006 03:36 pmYeah, uh... hi.
The hospital was HARD. The treatment following it makes me just about as miserable as pre-hospitalization with the bonus that in the process I'm learning skills to deal with the world in a much better way than I have done in the past. Certain behavior patterns have stayed the same, most noticeably to you folks my pattern of dropping off the map when I change something big in my life, to surface months or years later looking sheepish and apologetic. I hope to work on this behavior as I've worked on others. In the meantime, I'm very sorry--I know I keep saying that, but my habit of alienating by absence the very support systems I need most to survive is a self-harming behavior that I appear to be addicted to. I have thought of those of you on my friends list often, collectively and individually. I expect I have a lot to repair, and I will do whatever I need to to do so.
So, without further ado, a bit of a recap:
( Followup treatment was at the 'Women's Intensive Outpatient Program,' where I received a preliminary diagnosis of 'Recurrent Depressive Disorder (Episode Moderate), Severe Anxiety Disorder, and Agoraphobia. Primary method of treatment is Cognitive Behavior Therapy... )
( I've given up caffeine (hospital detox for the LOSE), lost 10 pounds, and got treatment from a reasonable (and might I say, very awesome) doc who specializes in sleep disorders just like mine--and I'm proud to say that I have a normal sleep schedule with a minimum of horrid fuss, and my crazy REM Sleep disorder died down a LOT when I altered my diet and sleeping habits... )
( Enough with the good news, on with the stuff that's scaring the living shit out of me--which would be my most recent diagnosis: Rather than suffering from a regrettable but easily treated bout of depression, I have a bona fide personality disorder... )
To Sum Up...
So in the end, most of what I have to tell you guys is that I've gone through a roller coaster ride of emotions the past month and more--so much so that I was afraid to post on LJ. Afraid because, if I was having a good day, would I have a bad day the next day and then edit or delete the post? Afraid because, if I was having a bad day, should I record it and possibly ruin my mood when reading it on a good day? While internally I know that the process of getting better is very much like the process of cleaning one's room--you end up making a bit more of a mess while organizing things than it looked when you started--I still end up feeling like I'm spending a lot of time being miserable to FIX the fact that I'm miserable. Then on top of that I find out that I've got more than depression going on... it's a lot to handle. The biggest challenge on LJ is the strong desire to hide rather than be communicative. However, I still like the same things I liked before all of this, and I don't intend on giving up on any writing projects--I just don't want to write when I've got such a severely pendulum swingingly negative to positive (the latter I refer to my husband as 'Happy Happy YAY' because he keeps claiming being happy is worth living for) viewpoint on everything. No screwing up the characters or plotline because the author is depressed!
Hugs,
Darsy
The hospital was HARD. The treatment following it makes me just about as miserable as pre-hospitalization with the bonus that in the process I'm learning skills to deal with the world in a much better way than I have done in the past. Certain behavior patterns have stayed the same, most noticeably to you folks my pattern of dropping off the map when I change something big in my life, to surface months or years later looking sheepish and apologetic. I hope to work on this behavior as I've worked on others. In the meantime, I'm very sorry--I know I keep saying that, but my habit of alienating by absence the very support systems I need most to survive is a self-harming behavior that I appear to be addicted to. I have thought of those of you on my friends list often, collectively and individually. I expect I have a lot to repair, and I will do whatever I need to to do so.
So, without further ado, a bit of a recap:
( Followup treatment was at the 'Women's Intensive Outpatient Program,' where I received a preliminary diagnosis of 'Recurrent Depressive Disorder (Episode Moderate), Severe Anxiety Disorder, and Agoraphobia. Primary method of treatment is Cognitive Behavior Therapy... )
( I've given up caffeine (hospital detox for the LOSE), lost 10 pounds, and got treatment from a reasonable (and might I say, very awesome) doc who specializes in sleep disorders just like mine--and I'm proud to say that I have a normal sleep schedule with a minimum of horrid fuss, and my crazy REM Sleep disorder died down a LOT when I altered my diet and sleeping habits... )
( Enough with the good news, on with the stuff that's scaring the living shit out of me--which would be my most recent diagnosis: Rather than suffering from a regrettable but easily treated bout of depression, I have a bona fide personality disorder... )
To Sum Up...
So in the end, most of what I have to tell you guys is that I've gone through a roller coaster ride of emotions the past month and more--so much so that I was afraid to post on LJ. Afraid because, if I was having a good day, would I have a bad day the next day and then edit or delete the post? Afraid because, if I was having a bad day, should I record it and possibly ruin my mood when reading it on a good day? While internally I know that the process of getting better is very much like the process of cleaning one's room--you end up making a bit more of a mess while organizing things than it looked when you started--I still end up feeling like I'm spending a lot of time being miserable to FIX the fact that I'm miserable. Then on top of that I find out that I've got more than depression going on... it's a lot to handle. The biggest challenge on LJ is the strong desire to hide rather than be communicative. However, I still like the same things I liked before all of this, and I don't intend on giving up on any writing projects--I just don't want to write when I've got such a severely pendulum swingingly negative to positive (the latter I refer to my husband as 'Happy Happy YAY' because he keeps claiming being happy is worth living for) viewpoint on everything. No screwing up the characters or plotline because the author is depressed!
Hugs,
Darsy
